By the year 2013, every American will have a blog, using it as their one and only outlet of communication. Their tongues will wither and become frail from lack of use, as will their bodies from the constant sitting and typing. Their slender bodies will become adorned w/ jewelry, accessories, and manicured nails from the constant push of the metro-sexual lifestyle. This heightened fashion sense will make sure that no one does any physical labor for fear of staining their designer jeans or losing an earring. The need for fisherman, police officers, and steel mill workers will die almost all together to make way for the new age where everyone either works for starbucks, apple, or an internet service provider.
In 2014, the technology age will finally catch on in Canada, as they are introduced to the internet, and ultimately, wordpress. By July the first Canadian blogger is born. He will write about salmon, mountains, and timber, which will be greatly ridiculed here in America. This will anger the entire country of Canada, who, after years of dormancy, all simultaneously cry “WAR”!
By August, Canada will invade the northern parts of America, quickly laying waste to North Dakota and Massachusetts. The American defense, which consists of defending their selves by swinging their laptops, is no match for the muscular arms of massive wave upon wave of ax toting lumberjacks all in black, red, and green, or as it will come to be know as, “War Flannel”.
Entire colonies of hipsters with be destroyed by the great bearded warriors from the north. They attack the towns coffee shops first… within hours the entire town is suffering from dehydration, and in their already weakened state, the axes slice through droves of them at a time.
In DC the call for action is not falling on deaf ears. The president, Wanda Sykes, is quickly addressed of the attack but is unable to coordinate any retaliation due to her still being on set of one of her four UPN sitcoms. It’s apparent they cannot use missles, due to the all the civilian casualties that would ensue, so they look elsewhere. To God.
Millions of American’s blog to God, begging for salvation from the massive Canadian onslaught, which is now currently tearing through Ohio and Vermont. Their posts prove no use however, as God’s Comcast connection has been down for several days, even though he spoke w/ three phone Techs and two different guys came to his house.
Within two weeks all of American is in ruins. The entire American population is dead, save for a few unlucky survivors who now are forced to spend hours upon hours teaching all Canadians about Widgets, Technorati, and how to make money online.
Within days, all American land is controlled by Canada. Canadians use their newly acquired resources to stop all labor, using the pre-existing American crops to survive. Within ten years, Canada is the world’s strongest blogging nation. Their entire country floods the internet with their posts about salmon, mountains, and timber. Their lack of physical activity takes it’s toll as the Canadians become more frail by the day. Meanwhile… Mexico sits and waits….
